When my daughter began training at a fitness facility with guided coaching sessions, I found us reflecting on the feedback from the coaches, how it is given, how it is received, and how much more effective it can be when the receiver’s preferences are honored.
As her parent, I encourage her to see feedback as a gift rather than criticism. I want her to be coachable, to stay open to learning, and not take offense to every correction. At the same time, I have noticed how different types of feedback land with her. Some motivate, while others discourage. That has been such an important reminder that each of us responds differently to the way feedback is given.
My daughter quickly observed which instructors she liked best and why. Some simply say, “You are doing it wrong” or “Do not do it that way,” leaving her feeling criticized. Others go deeper. They explain why a movement matters, show the correct execution multiple times (sometimes doing the move with her), and later point out what she is doing well.
At ten years old, she has already learned a powerful lesson in feedback. She knows what style energizes her, what feels discouraging, and what helps her improve. And as she matures, she has a tool: she can tell her coaches or future managers how she best absorbs correction and praise and choose mentors who match her style.
Of course, telling her coaches how she prefers feedback does not guarantee they will adapt. Some may not agree with her approach, others may not have the bandwidth to shift their style, and that is okay. The point is that she has done her part. She is self-aware, she has communicated it, and she has opened the door for better connection.
The same is true in the workplace. Our managers will not always be able or willing to deliver feedback in the exact way we want. But by identifying our preferences and sharing them, we have done our part. We have given them a roadmap. From there, even if the delivery is not perfect, we can meet in the middle, knowing we have contributed to creating clarity rather than leaving it to guesswork.
Feedback is not just about critique. It is a mechanism for growth, alignment, and motivation. But like any tool, its effectiveness hinges on how and when it is used.
In Gallup’s influential Q12 engagement survey, four of the twelve questions are especially relevant here:
Q1: I know what is expected of me at work.
Q4: In the last seven days, I have received recognition or praise for doing good work.
Q5: My supervisor, or someone at work, seems to care about me as a person.
Q6: There is someone at work who encourages my development.
These are not peripheral items. They anchor critical elements of engagement. Q1 is the most foundational of them all, because knowing what is expected is the bedrock of performance and engagement. Without clarity, employees cannot prioritize effectively, and progress stalls. Feedback is one of the primary ways expectations are clarified.
Gallup data shows that 80 percent of employees who say they have received meaningful feedback in the past week are fully engaged. Yet only a fraction of employees strongly agree they receive valuable feedback regularly. Feedback and recognition go hand in hand. Employees who receive both consistently show significantly higher engagement than those who only receive one.
And here is an important connection. Feedback on performance can feel very vulnerable. My guess is that when an employee expresses how they like to receive feedback and the manager listens and responds in that way, it does not just raise Q4 (recognition) and Q6 (development). It likely raises Q5 as well, because the employee feels seen, valued, and cared for as a person. And when feedback clarifies expectations, it strengthens Q1 too, the most foundational element of engagement.
You do not have to wait for your manager to figure it out. You can start giving cues or explicit statements to help feedback land better.
As you think back on times you have received feedback in work, school, sports, or personal life, ask:
By going through this exercise, you will better articulate your “feedback profile.”
Here are sample ideas or scripts you might try:
The most effective feedback cultures are not built solely from top-down critique. They rest on a shared contract in which both parties, manager and employee, take responsibility.
Employees and team members: Reflect on how you best receive feedback, express that preference, and stay open to trying variants.
Managers and coaches: Listen, experiment, and invite ongoing adjustment. Recognize that one style will not fit everyone.
When both sides engage, feedback becomes less about correction and more about partnership in growth.
Watching my daughter already develop clarity about what feedback helps her grow gives me hope. She is not waiting passively. She is learning to advocate for herself so she can be her best self.
We cannot expect every manager to be a mind reader. But we can build a culture where feedback is guided by individual preferences, where recognition precedes critique, and where each person at every level takes part in shaping how they give and receive feedback. In that kind of space, feedback becomes something to welcome, not endure.